#7 Photo Album

My photo album is in the left side column.

Comments

[Tri Tran]

Taylor,

The pictures used in your photoessay send a powerful statement showing me the gruesome condtions in the Andersonville prison during the Civil War. I think these pictures went well with the theme you chose for your essay. I would like to comment on the style of your writing. Your writing structure lacks organization. I feel as though you are talking to me rather than writing to me. Taken from #3) Prison Camp, "The area separating the viewer from the prison looks as though it is the railroad that was one of the reasons the Confederates built the prison where they did in the first place." This obviously is a run on sentence with improper use of grammar. It again sounds like a sentence that would be used during a conversation and not for writing. I would like to next comment on your thesis statement. Your thesis includes the "and the pinacle of penitenteries was the Andersonville Prison." This is unneccesary to be included in your thesis statement. You should have just ended it prior to that. The thesis is the heart of your paper and the supporting paragraphs are the backbone to it. Do not damage the quality of the paper by including nonessential information. I would like to lastly comment on your repetitive use of "Common knowledge." Your very first sentence in your introduction goes "The Civil War was a very gruesome and deadly war that took many lives and shook up our country in ways that we can not imagine nowadays." You could maybe change the sentence to something more interesting like "The Civil War marked the first attempt to free blacks from slavery and recognize their true nature as Americans."

[James Kim]

Hi Taylor. Your photo album is very interesting and like Estephanie's, I really enjoyed the topic. I had no knowledge about the prisons and you did a great job of convincing me of how horrible they were in the war. One thing I suggest for you to do is make a separate introduction that includes your thesis statement and leads us to your album. You did a great job of describing the paintings with emotion. This leads to my next suggestion: you should add a little more background information and sources just to make it even more convincing. My last suggestion for you is to make a more stronger argument out of your thesis statement. It sounded to me like a sentence with extra words that were not needed. Great Post

[Mark Sythammavong]

Very original topic, it looks like you put a lot of effort into your research. I didn't even think of prisons being used in the Civil War. However, there should be an introduction page to prepare us for what is coming, instead of using it as the first slide. Your thesis also contains two typos 'pinnacle' and 'penitentiaries'. The phrase after the semicolon is not necessary, it seems you are repeating the sentence that preceded the thesis. In the 5th slide, you mention that the Confederate army checked up on the prison and labeled it as a disgrace to the South, yet right after that you mention that each side felt no remorse for starving people of the same country. That statement seems awkward, the Confederates felt the prison was a disgrace, yet had no remorse for starving the Union soldiers?